I grew up in a family of pastors- great grandfather, grandfather, father, 3 brothers. It was during my time at this church that my sister introduced me to the prayer she prayed over our brothers âLord keep them faithful nobodies.â
And as my eyes opened and heart got weary to the patterns of our pastor, that became a character trait I looked for as I sought a new body of believers. A faithful nobody in leadership- much like our Savior. Faithfully walking WITH his people- weeping, hands in the mud, amongst the sick and marginalized.
Hannah, thank you so much for reading and sharing your wisdom here. I love that phraseââfaithful nobodies.â Iâm thankful those types of people/spiritual guides do exist, even if we donât hear about them much. (Probably because theyâre so invested in serving, caring for, and being *with* their community!) I wish we couldâve experienced this at our old church. Really, I do.
Erika, I relate so much to what you've written. The church where bad stuff happened to me (to put it trivially) no longer exists, so I can't say I've received mail from them lately--not to mention, I moved to a different country and would be lying if part of the reason for that wasn't my yearning for a new start, out of the shadow of that experience!!
One thing that was strange and unique about my experience was how it felt when I learned the church was no longer in operation. I asked God why I'd spent years putting myself on the line, in a situation I knew was unhealthy, only for that effort to wither away with the organization itself. I don't know the answer, but I've also come to realise how close God was to me in the midst of that, and to realise that leaving was always an option. It's okay that I didn't then, because I didn't know what I didn't know. I think all along God was whispering to me that that place didn't matter as much as I thought it did, because he mattered more, and so did my soul and my healing, you know? I think the whole experience gave me, if anything, a greater attunement to the Spirit, as well as an extremely strong bullsh*t detector... and perhaps those two have a great overlap.
I'm sorry for that mail you got (and for the length of this comment). I hope as you reflect on receiving it, those moments where the grace of God showed through your experience and what happened after feel even more tangible and real than the hurt.
Hey Julia, thank you for all of this, and especially for that last sentence. Means a lot.
Iâm super thankful you took the time to write a comment here. Thereâs really something to knowing we arenât alone in these types of experiences. Even so, I hate what you had to endure and Iâm sorry to hear it. 𥺠I can see how perplexing it might be to sort through emotions after learning your church had closed its doors. Never a manual or guidebook for this stuff!
Itâs easy for church folks to put an emphasis on submitting to and honoring leadership but what about when souls are deteriorating under said leadership? Your wholeness absolutely matters. It sounds like God has formed a beautiful strength in you.
My stomach dropped sympathetically when I read where the postcard was from. Iâm so sorry all of this was ânecromancedâ out of the past (and at Christmas, too). But thank you for continuing to make space for us in this. Itâs an honor to stand beside you.
I grew up in a family of pastors- great grandfather, grandfather, father, 3 brothers. It was during my time at this church that my sister introduced me to the prayer she prayed over our brothers âLord keep them faithful nobodies.â
And as my eyes opened and heart got weary to the patterns of our pastor, that became a character trait I looked for as I sought a new body of believers. A faithful nobody in leadership- much like our Savior. Faithfully walking WITH his people- weeping, hands in the mud, amongst the sick and marginalized.
Hannah, thank you so much for reading and sharing your wisdom here. I love that phraseââfaithful nobodies.â Iâm thankful those types of people/spiritual guides do exist, even if we donât hear about them much. (Probably because theyâre so invested in serving, caring for, and being *with* their community!) I wish we couldâve experienced this at our old church. Really, I do.
this was beautiful, Erika!
thanks for sharing â€ïž
Jayna! Thanks for taking the time to read. That means a lot. ð¥²
Erika, I relate so much to what you've written. The church where bad stuff happened to me (to put it trivially) no longer exists, so I can't say I've received mail from them lately--not to mention, I moved to a different country and would be lying if part of the reason for that wasn't my yearning for a new start, out of the shadow of that experience!!
One thing that was strange and unique about my experience was how it felt when I learned the church was no longer in operation. I asked God why I'd spent years putting myself on the line, in a situation I knew was unhealthy, only for that effort to wither away with the organization itself. I don't know the answer, but I've also come to realise how close God was to me in the midst of that, and to realise that leaving was always an option. It's okay that I didn't then, because I didn't know what I didn't know. I think all along God was whispering to me that that place didn't matter as much as I thought it did, because he mattered more, and so did my soul and my healing, you know? I think the whole experience gave me, if anything, a greater attunement to the Spirit, as well as an extremely strong bullsh*t detector... and perhaps those two have a great overlap.
I'm sorry for that mail you got (and for the length of this comment). I hope as you reflect on receiving it, those moments where the grace of God showed through your experience and what happened after feel even more tangible and real than the hurt.
Hey Julia, thank you for all of this, and especially for that last sentence. Means a lot.
Iâm super thankful you took the time to write a comment here. Thereâs really something to knowing we arenât alone in these types of experiences. Even so, I hate what you had to endure and Iâm sorry to hear it. 𥺠I can see how perplexing it might be to sort through emotions after learning your church had closed its doors. Never a manual or guidebook for this stuff!
Itâs easy for church folks to put an emphasis on submitting to and honoring leadership but what about when souls are deteriorating under said leadership? Your wholeness absolutely matters. It sounds like God has formed a beautiful strength in you.
Ugh, sorry for all that hard stuff, Erika. Hits a nerve.
Tohru, thanks for reading and saying that.
Also, happy New Year.
To you too!
My stomach dropped sympathetically when I read where the postcard was from. Iâm so sorry all of this was ânecromancedâ out of the past (and at Christmas, too). But thank you for continuing to make space for us in this. Itâs an honor to stand beside you.
Necromancedâwhat a word to describe this! Thank you for listening, Lauren!
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