Turns out I can't easily picture things in my mind. Can you?

A strange realization about my mind's eye 👀

Yes, I splashed water on the apple to make it look appetizing.

I’ve got to know something. Can you voluntarily visualize images in your head? And with details such as colors, shapes, facial expressions, movement, lighting, landscapes, or patterns? I’m realizing this is an ability I either don’t have or, perhaps more accurately, have very little of. This discovery has turned me into the curiousest of kittens!

Here’s why I’m thinking about this 🧐

Last week,¹ I wanted to toss around design ideas for our bedroom but couldn’t imagine the space. It’s a small, uncomplicated square with three pieces of furniture: bed, dresser, nightstand. I know that in the room, there’s an illustrated wedding gift from my mom and a thrifted copy of The Dance of Anger and the precarious mirror that makes me nervous every time I clean its smudges. Yet to me, these show up in my mind as “facts.” I don’t envision them as actual objects in an actual space. Strangely, after taking pictures of the room, I could recall what it looked like based on my memory of the photos?² Huh.

Then this week, I worked on my picture book manuscript and must’ve written one sentence in seventeen different ways till my visual timer sat blank. Out of time and ideas. I was so stumped! The story is fiction—which is a new venture for me—but it mostly takes place in the real world with the exception of a fantastical element. I was trying to describe a setting I had an idea for, but couldn’t find the right words because I had nothing in my mind to relate the scene back to. Because I couldn’t imagine this place I was creating, it was hard to feel connected to or invested in it. I figured the idea wasn’t worth pursuing and moved on, disappointed.

Also this week, after reading too much self-help, I picked up Barbara Kingsolver’s Demon Copperhead again. Kingsolver’s storytelling is honestly a whole life form, the way her words breathe meaning in and out. That said, reading fiction is rarely easy for me, because I’ve always said I can’t picture what they’re describing! Characters do not take on faces. (Unless they’ve been illustrated. Alan Tiegreen’s Ramona Quimby will stick with me forever! But even then, Ramona’s face is more of a “feeling,” not something I could replicate from my imagination.) I don’t picture scenes as they unfold, and if I try, the effort slows me way down. Then I forget what I’m reading or the depth disappears. And for me, the meaning—that irreplaceable emotional experience—is what has mattered while reading.

Finally, just yesterday, my husband and I were working through a miscommunication. Confused by each other’s confusion, we eventually realized that we have vastly different ways of taking in and processing information. After Aaron asked some so, can you imagine ___? questions, we determined I can rarely conjure up an image in my mind on demand, including something as familiar as his own face and its features. If I think of him, or any other loved one, it’s their “essence” that comes to mind. If I’m lucky enough to get a visual impression of them, it’ll be their face and almost never will they have a full body. I also typically can’t hear their voice, but I can recall conversations we’ve had (sometimes verbatim), meals or secrets we’ve shared, and how they’ve made me feel.

Once Aaron and I realized the limitation with my mental imagery, the random puzzling moments from my week magnetized all at once.

What’s up with my mind’s eye? 👁️

I’ve been aware of the phenomenon called aphantasia—the inability to visualize mental images—but hadn’t thought too much about my own experience with the mind’s eye because at times, I do see foggy, fleeting images. They are usually static and gray-ish. When my therapist has guided me through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach, I’ve involuntarily visualized bizarre scenes which I’m not able to spontaneously create in my head. Also, I tend to have vivid dreams, especially when I take melatonin. Apparently, aphantasics can have vivid dreams because it’s an unconscious brain activity. I’m still researching, but I think my experience likely falls somewhere between hypophantasia (low vividness imagery) and aphantasia.

Speaking of sleep, I also learned that the whole count sheep! suggestion is meant to be literal. Some of you were kids imagining woolly puffs with legs and actually counting them? I always thought this was a cute, nursery-style way to say count numbers till you’re bored. That seems so complex. I’m still trying to imagine something as benign as a piece of fruit!

When I consciously imagine something, I might read it as a word in my mind or have associated feelings/knowings about the thing. It exists almost as an invisible presence. I don’t understand how my husband can visualize almost anything whenever he wants. He can even do magic tricks like rotate the image in his mind, zoom in and out on it, change its colors, and smell or taste it. This sounds exhilarating and also exhausting?

Now I’m wondering if I’m a visual learner partly because I’m not a visual thinker? Aaron brought up the idea that perhaps if I was an auditory learner, I wouldn’t need the visual supports. Maybe this is why audiobooks, podcasts, and lectures without notes are terribly tricky? There are too many variables floating in the mid-air of my mind. Nothing to anchor them to. I need to look into this idea.

I’m curious if this struggle to think visually is why I like to use mind maps, whiteboards, collages, mood boards, and other visual workspaces. These tools allow me to externalize abstract ideas and envision where I want to take them next. Taking this into account, I think I have a different method I can try when I return to my manuscript!

What’s it like for you? 🍎

Questions keep sprouting left and right and Aaron has been so good to me, answering all of them throughout the day. I still can’t believe how different our experiences are! And to think—we’ve been together for several years and didn’t realize this about each other. It’s helping make sense of a lot for us, actually.

It’s your turn now. First, a quick poll:

So, tell me in the comments, what’s your mind’s eye like? Do we have any similarities? Does Aaron’s magic trick abilities sound familiar? Maybe this is all bizarre to you. Or perhaps you’ve never considered it. Let’s hear!

Till next time,
—E.T.

1. Just a heads up, my references to time were accurate when I wrote this post, but not upon publishing it.

2. Can anyone explain to me why this is?