A reminder on what counts as a "good life"

Finding goodness in a year of many changes 🪟

— Seeing Us —
My days with him
are like a window
I picture home
and our good life
When, though?

One year ago, I sat cross-legged in my former kitchen, arranging those magnetic words on the fridge. This little poem wouldn't exist if I had known a surprise with a life-changing question was in the works. But that evening, I was unaware. You see, I’d had my answer to that unasked question for six months. The “knowing” had flown into my heart in the summer and perched there since. Without insight into Aaron’s brain, I’d started to feel like a nervous parakeet pacing side to side. I wanted clarity. Instead, when? lingered in the winter air, almost frozen in time.

To my amazement, I would soon experience a new home and family. And much quicker than I thought. My days would no longer be just a window into a hoped-for future. They’d become a passageway, leading me into a new reality.

*

For me, becoming a wife also meant becoming a stepparent. I’ve only known these roles together, the second tethered to the first because I promised to love and cherish Aaron. Every wedding anniversary will also mark another year as a family of three. It’s different than what I imagined as a young girl, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Once we’d married and I’d moved in, we did our best to make Aaron’s apartment look and feel like ours. He cleared out closets and sold his big brown couch. I filled half a bookcase with my children’s books. We put up my art and set quirky trinkets (except for the giant cockatoo head) alongside his decor. The singing bowl, shofar, and frankincense stayed put—all items significant to him, and ones I’ve never owned myself. I reorganized all the kitchen cabinets, tripling the mug collection and initiating a new way of displaying pantry items. He’s been gracious to go along with it. Overall, the apartment has turned out warm and welcoming, especially for a place I didn’t want to stay in.¹

I loved making my first handmade wreath for our place.

Year one feels much like an experiment as we tweak our daily rhythms and measure our capacities. We send each other an infinite stream of calendar invites to coordinate commitments and keep up with our weekly date nights. I’m so glad we’ve stuck with those dates (thank you, Dr. Gottman), even when the exhaustion has us mumbling over pizza.

Love requires a lot from us, but it matters more than anything else. When we fail to give what the other deserves (because we do), there is an active move towards repair. I hope we will always remember its power.

I don’t know the science to perfect parenting success, but I’m doing my best to lean into Aaron’s seven years of experience and help raise his son who is autistic, energetic, and the sweetest buddy. Recently, my stepson and I chasséd along the river when he stopped, held my face between his hands, and scrunched his whole face into a smile. Being a parental figure in this little boy’s life is an enormous honor. I want to learn everything I can about his world and give him beautiful opportunities.

Since getting married, I’ve crossed off 11 events on an index of stressful life changes². Did you know even happy occasions can bring stress? We’ve had both the joys and the blues. When I lost my job minutes before we’d planned to make an offer on a house, our fresh dreams seemed to lose momentum. As physical and mental illness, unemployment, and matters that I can’t speak of here torqued our ability to have hope, we eventually confessed, this isn’t what we imagined.

I don’t remember checking the "include hard, unforeseen events” box on the marriage license application. Well, they got shipped to us anyway, no refunds allowed. But if I pause my huffing and puffing for a second, I remember how we all have things working for and against our vision of that good life. It simply is the product of living.

If my eyes were trained to see goodness anyway, what could I observe? What would the data show?

*

I looked at my life, and here’s what else I found:

Soon, we’re moving into a rental home two minutes from the library and a quick scooter ride to a favorite playground. The timing didn’t work out to buy a house, but we feel relieved to have found this rental. The backyard carries on, with room enough for real running around. There are perfect hammocking trees, and when the wind blows, we’ll hear the chimes we got as a wedding gift. Our proximity to greenery, to the fresh outdoors rather than asphalt and cement, will nourish our frazzled souls. This time, we will settle into the house as a family right from the start. We will be new residents together, and I can’t wait.

When I can, I’m taking itty-bitty steps toward my writing dreams. This is huge, considering I hardly reserve time for myself. I’m the queen of excuses and have trouble valuing my ambitions, but some folks in my life keep pushing me on. Aaron gave me a children’s book writing course for Christmas and it was the loveliest gesture. Yesterday, I counted 15 story ideas, which means I’ve finally given this dream some attention. I’m not making any money, but I’m making progress.

For our well-being, I look for experiences where we can put ourselves in the way of laughter and joy. When the diaphragm contracts and everyone hears it, doesn’t all seem right for a minute or two? The alpacas on the farm we visited last month were one such source of joy. You should’ve seen how they moseyed around, delighting us with their bulbous eyes, lashes galore. One was so furry, no eyes were to be found. That afternoon on the farm with my family was perfect. A peek into the kind of heaven I hope for—with fluffy animals roaming and the sound of peoples’ laughter floating to the sky.

Mr. Alpaca really lets his teeth shine.

With every difficult decision and conversation, we newlyweds have had the opportunity to show we’re on the same team. We’ve got the other’s back. And though the challenges weigh us down, we spruce ourselves up and go enjoy time together. While the events tumbling out of this first year weren’t what we expected, our relationship is what I’d hoped for and more. Sure, one could say I am still starry-eyed, and perhaps that’s true. But I am proud of us. Proud of us for collecting and using tools to try to build the life we hold in our imaginations.

Is life only good without challenges? I don’t think so, not after what I've witnessed. Do I want it to turn easier? Even just a little? Of course. But while the days feel somewhat strained and dizzying, I want to find more samples of goodness like I did above. Maybe those sample sizes will be tiny, but I’ll know I attempted to see good in my right-now-life with my darling people. And that’s what matters to me.

---

Let’s talk!

To get us started:

Where in your life do you see goodness? What helps you gain perspective when life is different than what you’d imagined?

I have LOVED getting to know some of you through our threads in the comments section. Interacting with y’all is always a highlight for me, so thanks for contributing your thoughts! And if you haven’t said hi before, please do. You’re welcome here!

—E.T.

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1. I was sad trading the city for suburban life. I was also nervous that moving into Aaron’s wouldn’t feel nearly as magical as settling somewhere new together.

2. Holmes and Rahe stress scale.